Your Alien Horoscope

Get in touch with your inner-Alien

Your Alien Horoscope Detector!

WE are NOT alone. In fact, there is no place where we are more not alone than at home. Did you ever realize that you might be married to an Alien? Or that your child might have been replaced with an alien seed? Or what your inner alien is like? Connect with the strange in you and those whom you love but don't understand.

We all know that Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus (we are after all the lovelier sex) -- so here is your guidance for dealing with that Alien in your midst.

Aries (Mar. 21-Apr. 19)
An Aries Alien is easy to recognize. They turn red in the face and start yelling if you ask them a normal decent question like: What time will you be home? Forget, asking something important like: What would you like for dinner or can we go out and eat? Your Aries alien's response could vary from "Is all you think about is eating... you're fat enough already." to "Dinner? what about the poker game at Bubba's?" Your solution is to replace this Alien with one who is more capable of interacting with the semblance of good manners.

Taurus (Apr. 20-May 20)
Now the Taurus alien is basically easy to recognize. Look for a really big neck with bulging veins whenever you suggest that you need to go shopping. Of course, you will know what the term BS means when he or she tries to explain to you that gold jewelry with lots of gems is a good investment. Duh! Good investment in making a Taurus alien think that he or she is cool so that when they are seeking out Aliens of the opposite sex when you are not around, it is easier to do.

Gemini (May 21-June 21)
Most Gemini aliens come from planets where two heads are better than one. Since forced to use human bodies with a one head per person limit, the Gemini will settle for multiple personality disorder. You know --- friendly one moment and doesn't remember your name even if you have been married for thirty years the next minute. Don't worry about having to converse with a Gemini Alien -- They only have monologues that never end so if you can shut up and listen and forget about getting one word in edgewise you will have this relationship down pat.

Cancer (June 22-July 22)
Unfortunately many who have found a mate who is a Cancer alien often feel that their lives have been invaded by a deadly growth. Talk about clinging. You would think that this alien had taken lessons from the pod people the way they twine around and try to strangle the life out of anyone seeking freedom. The Cancer alien is actually modeled on the Jewish Mom Alien. To handle properly next time you hear "Where you going and when are you coming home?" ask your alien if he or she would like some cheese with that whine.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
Most Leo Aliens have relocated to this planet with the definite awareness that all other creatures are merely for their amusement and have no other intrinsic value. If you would survive under the rule of a Leo Alien in your home, remember to bow deeply, tell him or her how absolutely wonderful he or she is, and don't forget to bring lots of bounty. A gift a day keeps this alien at bay. Both Captain Kirk and Spock were Leo aliens so this should tell you something. Lost your Leo alien? Look for the big crowd and he or she will be in the center signing autographs and having his or her picture taken.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
Don't let the Virgo alien fool you -- while sweet and friendly and helpful in service they are part of an alien plot to change all of humanity through constant criticism and nagging. Oh sure they will tell you that they are doing it for your sake, but don't believe it. All of this criticism and tweeking of your personality is part of a Virgo alien conspiracy trying to make all humankind into a vague out-of-this-world version of perfection and purity. If anyone can make perfection a perverse and sadistic manifestation, it is your Virgo alien. Be very afraid. Be very, very afraid if one should offer to help you.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 23)
From the land of inverse possibilities comes the Libra alien. The men will be feminine and the women will be masculine. Forget trying to get them to help you with a decision. They will say 'whatever you want, dear' and you can be sure that you will make the wrong decision and never hear the end of it. Ask them to make a decision and you will see the raging shadow of the Libra alien which is always lying beneath the surface called the Aries alien.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 21)
Most Scorpio aliens come from the planet Pluto although some may actually be residents of the planet Goofy. If you like playing with deadly scorpions and being eating alive by dragons then you will find all that you desire as a resident masochist. Quick to recognize other aliens, the Scorpio alien can serve you well as a alien detector and they are really quite determined to protect their property (meaning you) from other alien attack. The Scorpio alien is known for his or her addiction to sex so unless you don't want to be a sex toy, run quickly to your safest alien shelter.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
The Sagittarius alien is the wanderer of the known galaxy. If you are looking for loyalty you better go listen to that old song "When I'm not with the woman I love, I love the woman I'm with." That pretty much says it for Saggie aliens, except to mention that they do like to talk on and on ad infinitum about the condition of the universe and are absolutely sure that they know everything there is to know.If you're able to act stupid but gaze with adoration at them as they take off on their next voyage then this is the alien for you.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
The Capricorn alien has a weird curse or blessing depending on which way you look at it. Born as very wise people they become more stupid with time. In fact by the time the Capricorn is an adult of say 30 or 40 they regress back to infancy and insist on going totally wild trying everything they missed since they entered this planet. The Capricorn has a problem with taking on very human addictions so hide your cookie jar. Whether it has money or chocolate the Capricorn alien will have to have the contents. Their philosophy is mine is mine and what is yours is mine.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
Forget about men from Mars and Woman from Venus. The Aquarian alien is from Uranus. If you love chaos you have found your alien. While they claim to be lovers of mankind the truth is the Aquarian alien is just downright nosy and wants to know everything about you. If you can stay unpredictable you have a chance with this creature from outer space or perhaps inner space. However, be prepared. They will go at least once a month to a place where no human has ever gone before.

Pisces (Feb. 19-Mar. 20)
If you like illusion, confusion and downright goofy you are going to love your Pisces alien. They won't lie to you but never count on the truth cause they just won't tell you. Pretend you understand and just get on with life because when it comes to alien life forms the Pisces is about the most crazy. Want to really understand Pisces -- well we are leaving the age of Pisces which has the sign of the fish. What does that tell you? Question everything a Pisces tells you cause there is always a fish tale involved.

If you want to know what the stars have in store for you for real, visit Myriam Maytorena, one of the leading Astrologers on the World Wide Web for a reading.